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Article 9

I’m going to the fabric store to try out some new material.

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Article 8

The only thing I achieved today was climax.

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Article 7

I can say “retarded” because my girlfriend is retarded.

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Article 6

I’m a former, former drug addict.

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Article 5

At least if you’re on the top bunk in prison you can finally say there’s a monster under your bed.

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Article 4

If you add a colon in the middle of “Diet Coke” it describes four months of my sophomore year in college.

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Article 3

I want to open a bar called, “The Dentist.” I bet people would hate going there.

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Article 2

You ever feel sad and lonely and then Netflix recommends, “Friends?”

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8 Modern Day Omens

Drop your phone. If it lands face up, you will receive welcome news from a friend or relative. If it lands face down, it is broken. When your entire face tingles you are about to be tagged in a photo....

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Article 0

I never put gas in my Gremlin after midnight.

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